What I wanted
by Jester Fraser
Summary: just what I wanted to see in The Mummy Returns CH.3 in. And the people rejoiced:*bored* yay! 3 is for The Mummy.
1. Default Chapter

Things I would've liked to see in The Mummy Returns.

Disclaimer: I don't own characters and some of the things are from the book The Mummy Returns by Max Allan Collins.

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The Scorpion King is charging at the head of his army to the army of Thebes. He doesn't see a rock protruding from the ground in his path and trips and falls.

Scorpion King: Da*% the rock!! 

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Rick's outline can be seen through a huge web, he seems rather short. He takes out his gun and starts singing the Mission Impossible theme song while moving like some weird spy. 

Director: CUT! Brendan this isn't MI2! It is TM2! Get the right movie! And have you been drinking too much coffee? I mean you were like 6'3" ten minutes ago now your like 5'2"!!

Brendan walks up behind him.

Brendan: Sorry I'm late guys. I was talking to my wife. What scene are we doing now?

Director (aka Steve): Wha-? If you're there then who's that? *points to short dude on set.*

Tom Cruise: Oh, Sorry wrong set. I thought this was Mission Impossible Two set. *Laughs nervously.*

Brendan: What? MI2 already came out. Are coming down with Alzheimer's?

Tom: No, actually I'm filming Vanilla Sky in two months and I was in London and I just wanted to be in the sequel to The Mummy!

Brendan: Sorry bud, but you're too short to be Rick O'Connell.

Rachel walks onto the set.

Rachel: What's taking so- Oh my GOD!! IT'S TOM CRUISE!! I THINK YOU ARE A TOTAL HOTTIE!! But not as hot as Brendan here. Besides, what are you doing here?

Brendan: He wanted to be in the movie.

Rachel: Oh cool, you can play Alex.

Tom Cruise: Really! Who's he? Is he like Rick's long lost brother or something'? 

Brendan: *laughs* No more like Rick's not so long or lost eight year old son.

Rachel: *laughs* Yeah. You are the right size. You're so short!!

Everyone laughs (no offense to you Tom Cruise fans.)

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Evelyn looks down at the snake near her foot. She kicks it out the door narrowly missing Rick. 

Rick: Those are poisonous you know.

Evelyn: No they're not. Red touch black friend of Jack.

Rick: Yeah, friend of _Jack_. I pissed them off so now they poisonous around me.

Evelyn: Oh you're such a sissy!

Rick: AM NOT!

Evelyn: ARE TOO!  
  
Rick: AM NOT!!!!

Evelyn: ARE TOO!!

Rick: AM Not times infinity to the infinite power!

Evelyn: You suck!

Rick: Do not!

Evelyn: Do to times infinity to the infinite power!

Steve: Stop fighting you two! That's not in the script!!

Brendan: At least I'm tall.

Rachel: True.

Steve slaps his forehead in disgust.

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Alex is about to put the cheese on the rat trap when his stomach growls. He looks famished, then he eats the cheese.

Steve: Is this about the candy? Are proving to me you would starve if I didn't get you some candy?

Freddie nods.

Freddie: Now you have to find a new hunk of cheese! You should have just bought me candy, and this would- hey! Who's chucking the cheese at me?

Steve: pick it up from where we left off, and ACTION!!

Freddie eats the cheese again. Steve throws him another one, Freddie eats it. Steve throws a hundred more and Freddie eats them all.

Freddie: Ugh! I'm full, no more Cheese! Please!! 

Steve throws another one.

Steve: Now do the fucking scene!!

Freddie: Watch your language!

Steve throws down his bull horn in anger and stomps off. Freddie faints from too much cheese. Steve walks by Brendan, Brendan stops him.

Brendan: Think of it like this Steve, all that cheese is bound to get him constipated for a while!

Steve brightens up.

Steve: Thanks for cheering me up Brendan. You are a great guy.

Brendan: And tall.

Tom: Enough already! So what if I'm short! I have an excuse to be looking at women's breast now!!

Steve walks off.: Pervert.

Tom: I heard that!!

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Evy picks up the bracelet of Anubis then an earthquake hit. She puts the bracelet back in the box and slams it shut.

Rick: It's a bit late for that isn't it?

She shoves it in Rick's arms

Evelyn: put it in your rucksack!

Rick: I have a better idea, let's leave the sons of bitches here!!

Evelyn: I think it's a bit late _that_!!

Rick: What's it say?

Evelyn: 'He who disturbs this bracelet shall drink from the Nile.' Well that doesn't sound too bad. I mean I disturbed it, and I'm not a he.

Rick and Evelyn run to hall when a wall of water bursts through a wall near them. 

Rick: I believe that this is bad Evy!

Evelyn: Well, don't blame me!

Rick: Oh, I blame you!

Steve: Cut!

He's talking to thin air as since everyone has continued to film the scene.

Steve: I bloody said cut!!

Still nothing.

Steve: Screw this! I just want to let Brendan know that he ripped off Kevin Kline's line in The Road to El Dorado!!! *Whispers* I'm going to my tai chi classes now.

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The mound of sand rises in a dig site at Hamunaptra. One of the diggers run off

Running Digger #1: Run for your lives men! Run! I said run!! 

The scarabs bust through then everyone starts running.

Running Digger #1: Oh, so now y'all start runnin' huh?

Steve: Cut! You just ripped off Will Smith's line in MIB2!!

Running Digger #1: Ah, but you see, it hasn't been made yet, so he ripped the line off a me!

Steve: Clever, you are very clever. You are the new Curator.

Alan (the curator): But I'm the curator!

Steve: Not anymore!

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Evy and Rick walked through the hallway in the O'Connell manor, Rick carrying all the bags. 

Evelyn: I think that the bracelet is some sort of guide to the lost Oasis of Ahm Shere.

Rick: Evy, I know what you're thinking and the answer is as long as we find a new house sitter. 

Evelyn: That's the beauty of it, we're already packed!

Rick: What? Uh, why don't you just give me one good reason.

Evelyn: It's just an oasis. A beautiful, exciting, romantic oasis.

Rick: With palm trees, and sandy beaches on the lake, with no bathing suits?

Evelyn: Now you're getting the idea.

Rick: Alex stays here?

Evelyn nods and smiles mischievously.

Steve: Cut! That whole thing is not in the script except for Rachel's first two lines!

Brendan: Why didn't you say that earlier?

Steve: We were asleep. I wasn't here either.

Assistant Dire.: You were at your tai chi class.

Rachel: OH, Tai chi? Where at?

Steve: A couple blocks south there's a tai chi place.

Rachel: I have always wanted to do Tai chi. Gets off a lot of stress I hear.

Brendan: What's so hard. It's just slow karate. *Does a karate chop*

Rachel: And in some instances you can use on numb nuts like yourself. *Does karate on him*

Brendan: Mai, I thought you liked me! Why am I being picked on?

Mai (Me): Well, I try to be fair. I don't want Tom Cruise fans running after me with two pairs of pliers and a machete or any thing that can be used to hurt me.

Steve: *Under breath* It doesn't get rid of my stress. *Reg. Voice* Can we just get back to the movie now?

Mai: Yeah.

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All I remember now!! Please review!!


	2. Chapter Two

****

What I wanted

Disclaimer: Don't own it, never will.

Picking up from where we left off.

Rick puts Evy at an arms length away from him.

Rick: What's the catch?

Evy: Catch?

Rick: Yeah the hidden agenda the part that's bad, you know the catch.

Evy: oh, American term I assume.

Rick: Baby, don't assume. It makes an ass out of u and me.

Evy: I presume then.]

Rick: Yeah, so what's the catch?

Evy: Um, I knew this, *looks at cue cards* Uh, supposedly it's the resting place of Anubis's army is all, oh and the Scorpion King is due for a wake up call this year I think.

Rick: That's all? No mummies?

Evy: oh, there are vannibal pygmy mummies.

Rick: I thought they were in America?

Evy: They migrated from there to Egypt.

Rick: Oh, okay then, we can go. Good!

Stephen: I will not commit suicide, I will not commit suicide *keeps chanting that while trying to do tai chi*

(Anyway on with the movie)

Rick: Yeah but we're smarter than him and taller.

Evy: Exactly, that's why we're the ones who are going to find it. 

Rick: Cause we're taller?

Evy: *falls into his arms but Rick forgets to hold out his arms so she just falls* OUCH!! You bastard you were suppose to catch me!

Brendan: Sorry, I zoned out there.

Rachel: *gets up near Brendan's gun* And what were you thinking of that made you happy?

Brendan: I was just thinking of the conversation I had with my wife earlier.

Rachel: and t was about what?

Brendan: I plead the 5th.

Rachel this is Brttian ass hole!

Stephen: Just shut-up and lets do the next scene!

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Alex: Mum! What do I do with this chest? The sucker weighs a god dang ton!

Evelyn: Alex! You can speak better than that!

Alex: This fucking shitty chest weighs a fucking God Damn bloody hell shit ass ton!!

Evelyn: better. 

And so on and so forth.

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Rick: That first weird dream of yours was about six weeks ago right?

Evy: yes, but what's that got to do with anything?

Rick: *opens book and shows Evy a page of the year of the scorpion* It just so happens to concide with Egyptian new year baby, a.k.a. Year of the Scorpion babe. 

Evelyn: *is very shocked* I think that that is the first time I have ever seen you take a book and open, read it and point it out. That has to go in the world book of world records or what ever it's called. I never thought I'd see you do that!! I am proud of you Rick!

Rick: *Smiles proudly*

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Skip the Alex scene.

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Rick: Have I had sex with you today?

Evy: Three times, but I'm willing for a fourth time.

*Rick smiles does what he did in TMR when Evy sees those knickers.

Evy: Those knickers are not mine.

Rick: *puts evy up straight* Jonathan.

Stephan: I wonder if Rick is wondering if Jonathan is wearing woman's underwear now.

Bob duscay: Yeah I know, it sounded like it huh?

Brendan: No need for outside commentaries!!

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All for now! I'm to damn tired to go on. I can't feel y legs!!

Some other person: Mai, that's cause you ain't got no legs!!

Mai: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Tata for now!


	3. Ch. 3

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What I Would have been funny (to ma at least) to see in The Mummy.

Disclaimer: You know the drill here chaps and chapesses. I don't own it, I got this first idea from "Veronica's Closet", a TV show on USA. I saw a rerun in Scotland and then my mind went to work. Well, I don't own The Mummy or The Mummy Returns.

Rick is tying a rope to a pillar that is adjacent to the hole in the ground that they go in into Hamunaptra in the first movie. Then a big Anubis parade balloon pops out pinning Rick's back to the wall while holding the rope. The director yells cut. The crew try to stab the darn thing but to avail they see a tag saying, can't be popped in hieroglyphs. Director calls Emergency department (a.k.a. the Fire department) but they can't make it out there for another two hours for some unknown reason. Nearly two hours pass.

Brendan: Oh, crap, I knew this was going to happen!!

Rachel: You knew you were going to be pinned to a pillar by a big Anubis balloon?

Brendan: No… I have to pee!

Rachel: What?!?!?

Brendan: Help? Please?

Rachel: Have one the men do that!!

Warden: I will.

Brendan: No!!

Rachel: John?

John: No way!!

Evy: Anyone?!?!?!?!

*Everyone either goes off pretending to do stuff or just ignore her*

Brendan: C'mon, Rachel, please help me!! Listen all you have to do is hold it and aim, I'll do the rest!!

Rachel: Jonathan give me your long coat.

Brendan: He brought a long coat to the desert?

Rachel: And I brought a black Egyptian print dress, so? You want help or not?

Brendan: *squeamish* Yeah, I do, but please hurry!!

*John hands Evy his long coat. She puts it on her front side.*

Rachel: Some rubber gloves please?

*rubber gloves are tossed her way.*

Rachel: Okay. *reaches in into his crouch. Feels something starts looking for the end* My God Brendan, where does it end? *laughter is heard off set*

Brendan: I think that's the rope.

Rachel: *pulls hand out* Oh, I guess that explains the knot at the end.

Brendan: Oh, hurry!!

Rachel: *sticks hand back in his crouch. Feels something. Holds* Is that it?

Brendan: *nods* Y-yeah, that's it, now aim into that hole I guess!

Rachel: *Aims it. At least I think she aims it at the hole.* I hope I aimed right!!

Stephen: Perhaps you should stand a little more to the side Rachel, you're right next to the hole!

Rachel: No, I think I'll be alright. Brendan, you're big.

Brendan: *pisses. Sighs in relief.* Thanks.

Rachel: *is near screaming. Brendan finishes and she screams.* Oh my god!! It got on me!!

Stephen: You should just done what I told ya, stand to the side. You were right next to the hole you were suppose to aim for!!

Brendan: Should I apologize?

Rachel: YES!! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO NEEDED TO PISS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! DAMN IT!!

Brendan: I mean, it got on John's coat. I think you should apologize, you asked to were the coat.

John: You marked it, you keep it, Brendan.

Brendan: Cool, I'll just wash it.

Stephen: Hey the fire department is here!!

Fireman: *walks next to Brendan* Alright, we need to find that rope that is attached to it. It should be around here. *sticks hand in near Brendan crouch. Brendan doesn't like this.* WHOA!!

Brendan: ROPE!!

Fireman: Oh.

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Drunken Evelyn scene.

AN: Caitlin '02 You can still use this if y'want.

Evelyn: And I am going to kiss you Mr. O'Connell.

Rick: Call me Rick.

Evy: oh, hm, R- Rick. *Nearly kisses him he scoots back and Evelyn fall into his crouch.*

Stephen: CUT!! OH MY GOD!! BRENDAN WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?!?! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED SOON!!

Rachel: *stays in for a while then comes out* You smell nice.

Brendan: Thanks. *grins*

Stephen: THAT IS WRONG RACHEL, AND YOU TOO BRENDAN!!! THAT IS JUST WRONG!!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!

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Am I being evil?? Or have I just been watching too many SNL episode r-runs on Comedy Central?


End file.
